nov 16,2008

"He'll provide a platform for me to share my pain & hurt

I don't have to please any man, He will use me just the way I am"

*bingung*

ACTS church evening service a prayer by Eld. KY - November 16th - 

tick tick tick

the clock is ticking again... well it has never stop anyway...

it's 2 days to home, and still believing for my miracle to happen

it's not easy, but i know it's worthy to wait upon God's planning

it's not flowery at all, but it has a beautiful ending for my soul 

it's not a valley, but it's a mountain that i have 2 climb wiv someone who knows the way 

it's a God thing not mine

it's for Him to handle not mine

it's the cross i have to carry wiv Him by my side

it's a race i have to finish

it's worthy...i hope... no! i know!

 

missing you

dearest friends,
I was looking at our old pictures and I smiled
It tells stories how we always hang out with eachother with very little that we had
we always out for makan together and just go watch movies together...it was very rare to be able 2 watch movies so often thou, but we treasure those moments together
and we would take pictures in every corner with every poses

from long hair to short and to long again
from bold, to un-clean curly hair, till super huge brocolly hair
from red to black to dark brown
from long to bold
we had all pictures taken and even the worse pose and we would just laugh

we shared tears and joy together
we shared nasty moments and made it onto a photo frame in our hearts
we took a family picture together till one of us was out with another of us
we had lots of fun, the ups and down

but.... now....
what happened to us? I wondered...
we stayed even nearer to eachother, yet we hardly go out
we stayed just next door, yet we hardly talked
we stand on the same floor, we cooked at the same kitchen and we drank from the same water dispenser, yet we hardly met eachother on daily basis
you had your agenda and so did I
you had your own while I'm still driving my old ferrari

what had happen to us? our friendship?
where did the unity gone? where did we went wrong? since when we started to expect higher than before? since when we split our friendship into different group? since when I stand here and you are there? we are so near, just next to eachother, yet we are so far away
we care about eachother so much, thou now words was more now than action
I clean alone, eat alone, sometimes with just the few of us, I watched TV alone, sometimes with you but I feel like a stranger..
I am with you but we were never really together
I missed the old us, I missed our time together... the five of us...

If I can undo few things, maybe I would, but I know it will only hurt you,
so I chose to understand
If I can undo few things, maybe I would just kept quite and pretend everything was alrite so maybe you wouldn't be that far now

what happen to us? to our beautiful friendship?

i missed u... i missed us.... i missed all of us.....

can i ask u?

they say a flower can express a thousand words,
but i don't have it now
they say a pencil is better than a memory
but i don't have a pencil now neither i have a paper to write down
i just open my laptop and starts to type what's in my head

but i can't


i feel it would be easier for me if i'm good in arranging words, but i'm not
i feel it would be easier for me if my brain is as fast as my typing to express what i'm feeling now
but i couldn't
i feel it would be easier if someone with a good english is here to help me out
but maybe she wouldn't understand coz i still can't express it in words

i remembered a song "bila hati terasa berat, tak seorang pun mengerti bebanku, ku tanya Yesus apa yang harus kubuat"
i guess it applies for me now
and all i can do is just cry and call His name

tonite seems so quite.. is it because of the holidays or is it really quite?
i am surrounded by people yet i still feel alone and lost

where should i go after all this?
after a long 8 years "finally" accomplishing my degree
where shoould i step in?
after moving from one country to another

suddenly i lost a sense of purpose
i'm not sure anymore

but then i heard a song "because He lives, i can face tomorrow, because He lives all fear are gone, because i know, i know He holds the future. Life is worth of living just because He lives"

should i be afraid? i shouldn't! but i am, a bit
should i be worry? i shouldn't! but i am, a bit
i'm only human, but He's not!

He forgives my unbelief

The clock is ticking, the day seems to ended faster than usual.
My faith has been stretch and my heartbeat beating faster.
Everyday I'm waiting for a phone call that will put me to rest.
Each time I go to church, I waited for Pastor to say those confirmation so that I can end my anxiousness.
Each Altar call, I've waited for someone to lay hands on me and pray for me and confirm what God has spoken to me so that I may have peace.
Almost every night I say the same prayer and hoping He will answer me the next morning with a phone call.
I wasn't angry, I wasn't mad and I didn't blame Him for anything, but I was worried and I just realized though I had peace but I was still worry.

Yet, He wasn't angry with me and He didn't take His spirit away from me. He was actually drawing Himself nearer and nearer to me. He comfort my soul, give rest to my spirit and lifted me up.
Each day, faithfuly and gracefuly He speek words of encouragements and assurance. Reminded me of the things He did in the past for Abraham & Noah. Reminded me that even if I have a faith as small as a mustard seeds and say to a mountain to move from here to there, it will be moved! He told me that my faith has saved me.
He assured me with ways that only His spirit can do.
He put a smile on my face and in my heart. He gave me family & friends who supported me in prayers and who believe with me.

And though I have doubts, He never leave nor forsaken me. In fact, He came to me and say “I love you!” He came to me and in my spirit I can see Him smiled and welcome me in His arm while I was crying.
He wiped my tears and heal my wounded heart that was filled with worry and discouragement.

True enough, the confirmation didn’t come from the things I hoped it would come, but He confirmed His words & promises are yes and amen when Pastor used the same verses in His sermon on the last day of Revo conference. He assured me by allowing me to see in my spirit that I was standing on the stage during prayer service, sharing to many of how great God is and how He has provide me with a job! A job that only He can provide! A job that is the best for me and what I’ve actually wanted! And at that time His name will be lifted high, will be praised, will be shouted and glorified! People will see His glory! People will see that there is NOTHING impossible for God!!

And I know when that time comes, I will jump & I will shout praises unto Him more than now!

I can’t wait! I can’t wait for that time to come. I can’t wait to see Your glory shines and I can’t wait to tell the whole world what you have done!

Thank you for your faithfulness o Lord! Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for not giving up on me! Thank you for stretching my faith and thank you for dealing with my doubts so patiently. Thank you for making me an overcomer! Thank you for helping me to be wise and mature. Thank you for taking time to teach me your way. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful Pastors, leaders, sisters & brothers and family. Thank you for trusting me that much when I know I don’t deserve such trust! Thank you for the job that you’ll give me! Thank you for everything! Thank you o Lord! Thank you!!